Many years ago when my son was in high school we had a disagreement. I don't remember what it was about but he had chosen that moment to take a stand against my authority. Whatever the subject was it didn't call for extreme effort on my part or Jim Jr.'s. It was just a case of a teenager resisting the authority of a parent.
The reason I'm telling you this story will become apparent soon.
Our discussion had reached a decision point. Either he was going to comply with my demands or we would have an escalating argument. He chose to dig in his heels and defy me.
After a brief reflection on the situation I said, "Jimmy, are you SURE you want to defy me on this? You do realize that I have all the power, all the resources and the ability to force compliance if I choose to, right? In other words, Son, you are going to lose this fight. Do you still want to defy me?"
His posture softened a bit as he considered his position and then he said something that completely changed the situation.
He said, "But Dad I didn't know what else to do."
He had wanted to resist my authority but not to the point of creating a conflict. He just didn't know yet how to do it. He had the intellect but not yet the skills to handle such a negotiation.
Well, I melted. I just hugged him and almost cried.
The next time you find yourself in an escalating conflict with someone, whether it is an unsympathetic technician, a service provider, a partner or a family member...pause.
Take a moment to "helicopter up" and get some perspective on your situation. Let go of your emotions temporarily and just observe what is going on.
Then once you can see more clearly, re-engage with a different approach. It might just take all the anger out of the air and lead to a better conclusion. The fact that we are right or that we mean well doesn't necessarily mean that we are handling the situation correctly.
Last week I was caught in a seemingly endless process of trying to get tech support to solve a problem with synchronizing my new computer with my phone, router and printer. The problem had persisted for days and I was losing productivity by the minute. When the tech rep started me through the same process for a third time, I interrupted and said, "Is it likely that we will get a different result this time?" She said, "It's possible but not likely." I replied, "Is there someone who trained your team that you could refer me to? I want to see if there is a better way to approach this problem and it appears that we have reached the limits of your training, is that true?" She reluctantly admitted that it was true. So we ended our conversation and I went on to another source with higher skills.
If I had not taken time to reflect on the scenario then I'm pretty sure that call would have ended with harsh words and hurt feelings.
So, here's today's advice Boys & Girls;
When what you are doing isn't working, Stop. Pause and reflect.
Ask yourself what is missing. Notice more about the situation.
Then either stay the course, if appropriate, or take a new direction.
It may not be that the person doesn't care, nor that they don't respect your needs.
It may just be that they didn't know what else to do.
For more on this and other interpersonal techniques check out my Relationship Intelligence (tm) Blog.
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